Four Years Later

I need deadlines. Without a deadline, I would never complete anything. (I have lots of notebooks scribbled with half-baked ideas to prove it!) Wednesday used to be an important deadline day for me. 

Every Wednesday I had two tasks: prepare for Wednesday night Bible study and finish my article for the local newspaper. On one particular Wednesday (November 3, 2021), I was unable to meet my deadlines. It was on that Wednesday morning that my daughter and I were struck by a semi truck while on the way to her school. By the grace of God, our lives were spared. 

I can’t express enough how thankful I am to God for His good providence to us that day. While I have no memory of the event itself, it’s a moment that I can’t stop thinking about every time November 3rd comes along.

I do indeed have feelings of thankfulness concerning this day, yet there always seems to be a dark cloud hanging over November 3rd. It’s almost strange to me that I feel this way because, unlike the anniversary of the death of a loved one, we survived. We lived to tell the tale. So why does this day seem so difficult even four years later?

I suppose I would have to admit that the changes of life that followed this event are part of my trouble. It’s not because I am not thankful for how God has provided for me and my family since the wreck, but that the illusion that I had of being in control of my life had vanished. 

Now don’t misunderstand me, even before the accident I unashamedly believed in and proclaimed the utter sovereignty of God. I knew then, as now, that God is in control. However, the lived experience can be challenging. Romans 8:28 is a good “Hobby Lobby verse” when everything in life is just fine and dandy. The power of those words, however, the deeper meaning, is only understood when life has been turned upside down. 

I believe Romans 8:28 with all my heart, but I also miss how my life used to be. I miss my old job. I miss our old church. I miss our old home. I miss being able to walk without pain. I miss so much that we lost that day. You see, this is the struggle that followers of Christ can have with trauma, suffering, and pain; we know intellectually that God will use this for His glory and our good. Yet, we ache as we wait.

November 3rd has become a reminder for me of what I have lost. I don’t want it to be that way anymore. I don’t want to have these feelings anymore. Yes, these past four years have had their struggles– multiple surgeries, hours of weekly physical therapy, constant pain, and restless nights. However, these past four years have been filled with many amazing blessings as well.

Kate and Sam have been thriving at Gilbert Christian Schools. They have made so many friends. Kate is playing the lead role in the high school musical, Oklahoma!. Sam has been growing so much as a violinist and has been the first chair at the last number of concerts. Both girls love having chapel and Bible classes at school. We are simply overwhelmed by these blessings and so many more.

Laura and I were so thankful to be able to buy our own home last summer. We hope to spend many, many years here creating memories and growing old together. We love being able to sit on the front porch reading and listening to the neighborhood kids playing.

In January of this year, we launched Providence Bible Fellowship in Mesa. A few believing families came together and we officially covenanted as a local church. Yes, there have been some ups and downs, some disappointments along the way, but there has also been some tremendous joy. We received a new member this summer and we may be having our first baptism sooner rather than later. 

I don’t think November 3rd will ever be an easy day for me. But maybe it’s not supposed to be. Maybe the ache I feel is meant to remind me that this world isn’t my final home. I’m still waiting, still longing for what is to come. Until then, I’ll keep walking (or limping) by faith, trusting that even the darkest days are held securely in the hands of a good and sovereign God.

I still need deadlines. They keep me moving forward, even when life slows me down. The deadline I missed that Wednesday morning became the beginning of a new chapter I never would have chosen, but one that God has used to show His faithfulness again and again. And for that, I am thankful.